


the spaces between us

by jj4eva



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Angst, Disbandment, Exes, F/F, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-01-15 22:19:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18508213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jj4eva/pseuds/jj4eva
Summary: They didn’t want to grow up.But it was inevitable for time to change a person’s heart.aka jensoo didnt talk for two years and yet after running away from each other, it kicks them both in the face when they somehow end up in the same city





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fate leads the willing, and drags along those who hang back.

_“Will we ever debut?”_

 

The question was random.

 

It was so out of the blue that Jennie felt her drowsiness grow faint into the dark, and her roommate’s eyes glistens of vulnerability when she turns to her bare face illuminated by the moon. It was different. Unlike her scrunched up face when she laughs in the hallways, it was sternly curious, like a child demanding answers on why is the sky so blue.

 

Jennie didn’t want to lie to her like that – or even lie to her ever – she couldn’t.

 

Jisoo was a wonder. And she did wonders to Jennie, too. It was almost deemed a miracle that Jennie feels she’s an entirely different person when she’s with her, or when she’s lying down awake with her in the wee hours of the morning and she sees her built concrete walls crumbling down to pieces and her strong armor tearing itself down like it’s a handful of jelly.

 

But she wants to make Jisoo feel the assurance. Because that’s what she deserves. Like all things beautiful and genuine.

 

Jennie scoots a few inches closer, only a little. 

 

_“To tell you the truth–“_

 

She was about to start. Of course Jennie would be honest. She doesn’t like beating around the bush and she was always so straightforward. Jisoo didn’t know if that was a good characteristic but as she grew older, she realized it was.

 

With that Jisoo had probably figured out what was the girl was trying to say, ultimately regretting asking that question the moment Jennie had opened her mouth.

 

_“Never mind, let’s just sleep.”_

 

Both of them had gone so far at that point, with the passion and fear as the burden they have to bear until it all becomes worth the endeavor. Both of them know how it feels, Lisa, Chaeyoung and a large number of trainees could relate too. The uncertainty, the agitation; always seated in the back of their minds every day they come in the practice room and out.

 

Jisoo finds herself turning her back on Jennie, the younger girl didn’t know why, but she felt the need of saying the next words that she could make out:

 

_“I’m sorry.”_

 

She inches a little bit more with arms wrapped around the slim waist of her roommate, she says those words again in soft whispers. At that moment, Jennie felt her warmth, her hands resting on her little tummy and her breath plays behind the shell of her ear.

 

Jennie wanted to apologize, not because she did something close to unpleasant – she wanted to apologize on behalf of how everything going their way is unjust and uncalled for and how this world is so cruel that Jennie would apologize over and over for all of it to stop.

 

Jisoo didn’t deserve any of it.

 

She deserved to debut sooner as an actress, like she was supposed to so she could finally help her family out the soonest; but saying that is like saying she wouldn’t meet Jennie – but then Jennie, with no question would say: _so then be it_ , because all she wants is for Jisoo to be happy and to be contented and to be the person she wanted to be because maybe the idea of Jisoo being that way is more than enough to make her feel just as delighted.

 

When the older girl reciprocated the embrace, no one had to say anything more.

 

They stayed like that until the sun shines on the edge of the bed. They stay like that the following nights after, like the vicinity between each other’s arms is adequate to drain the weariness of a long day, as if it solved all their problems and it brought solutions to all their stagnant questions. Everything was unsure, Jennie and Jisoo lived the uncertain but before they drift to slumber knowing they’re together and they’re still holding on, for a while it felt like they didn’t have to worry about anything else. 

 

They were young.

 

That was all they needed then.

 

-

 

The clock reads two-thirty in the morning.  

 

Jisoo slumped herself on the nearest seat she could find as soon as she reached her suite. It’s almost like she hadn’t slept for ten days because of her one hell of a headache – her taping and jet lag plays a big role on this – since she had been hopping country to country for an international project they had to film and at long last, her team had just finished filming at the last stop.

 

 _It’s a toxic habit_ , her manager reminds her, but she fishes her phone out to check on some comments online. It doesn’t matter if she’s tired. She needed to know what’s fueling her career. Her world revolves on nothing but that, anyway.

 

No family because her parents’ conviction didn’t exactly line up with hers when she told them she’s into girls. Her sister, however, is more of getting used to it than accepting, while through it all she’d been doing nothing but the bare minimum. Jisoo stopped convincing herself that that kind of support is enough.

 

Her friends can’t be far from being distant, literally, since she’s on the other side of the globe. She has many, for sure. She’s a celebrity for fuck’s sake. But not all of them Jisoo could trust and depend on. The quality always weighs out the quantity, as they say.

 

It’s always career, over everything.

 

That is what she reminds herself all of the time. That mindset sure did shape her to be the individualistic person she is right now. She had to let go some load for her to attain that, had to cut some ties as well. But she stopped regretting. Or so that’s what she tells herself.

 

(There’s still _this_ regret. One all too painful that Jisoo figured if she ignored, it would be forgotten. It wasn’t, by the way. But it’s something she would never admit.)

 

She goes straight to bed afterwards, in attempt to get some rest. Her eyes remain on the windows and it’s a sight of a crowd of massive buildings with lights while her mind swims and she can only hope she wouldn’t come across memories she wouldn’t want to remember.

 

 

-

 

 

_“Hurry up, we’re gonna miss it!”_

 

A gentle breeze rests on the girl's cheeks when she opens the rooftop door. The lone moon is shining pronounced, illuminating the beautiful Seoul skyline. With a tender smile on her face, she watches the other girl, trudging her way up the staircase.

 

 _“Hold on,”_ The other girl grunts, holding on the rail for dear life. _“I’m too tired for this.”_

 

Going up the roof deck of their apartment building is not a simple walk in the park. First and foremost, the long, seeming endless staircase is steep enough to break Jennie's legs. Second, all day long they practiced for their goodbye stage and they had just finished packing all their lives in suitcases and a stretch in her limbs is the last thing she needed. First thing in the morning and articles of the big announcement of their disbandment will break out the media.

 

Jisoo, still young for her twenty-eight years of age, the ball of happiness that she is, had this spark of idea to witness of what she had described an once-in-a-lifetime spectacle which is frankly just like any other clear night sky. And even if Jennie did have other plans (hint: sleeping), Jennie couldn't say no to that.

 

Even if she did have to take a whole bunch of painkillers the next morning.

 

Jennie can't say no to her.

 

_“Nothing will change, right?”_

 

The voice is vivid as she remembers, but Jennie knows it’s her own.

 

_“Nothing.”_

 

The answer was simple, concise like a little pebble of promise. And maybe it was too sudden for her to believe. But she did.

 

Jennie believed it with no doubts and hesitations because it's the love of her life right in front of her, her hope and her future, the one she would give her all without asking anything in return _._

 

Jennie wouldn't risk anything if it was anybody else.

 

-

 

Her feet are freezing.

 

Another sign that the winter is approaching, knowing the year is almost at its end. Jennie woke up. She doesn’t know if it’s her alarm, her feet turning ice or Nayeon’s constant knocking and screaming is responsible for it, but the best thing to do was to calm the most annoying first, in which in this situation, is her next-door neighbor Im Nayeon.

 

Jennie has no other choice but to drag her feet to her doorstep. “Nayeon if you _don’t_ –“

 

“Jennie! You’re back!”

 

Two things about Nayeon: one, she’s loud – that when she’s awfully excited, having sex, when she’s stoned or even when she’s all three. It’s obnoxious and annoying but Jennie is used to it. Two, she’s also her best and only friend in this complex, setting aside Nayeon’s girlfriend, Momo, who she became close with also because of Nayeon. 

 

It’s inevitably hard for them not to build up a mutual attachment, when a twenty-seven year old Jennie had just moved in to the apartment, completely devastated with her ugly crying that could be heard by the tenant two floors down. Nayeon had to do something, being the lawful good person that she is and she knew better than to belittle Jennie that night.  

 

The older girl also noted some important points that night; that Jennie was a sad drunk with a low tolerance of alcohol. For a stranger, Jennie is amused of her kindness, even if they had just met that day. Nayeon became a sister Jennie never had and they had shared more sentiments since then.

 

Nayeon pulls her in for a brisk hug, squeezing the hell out of her friend. “Calm down, unnie,”

 

“Sorry. I must’ve missed you too much,” The girl let go but Jennie can see she’s still just as excited. “You down for pancakes? I’m actually going to drop by the studio to give Momo her lunch. We can walk Kuma to the park!”

 

Suddenly, a blow of wind sends a chill down Jennie’s spine.

 

They’re in the halls, an enclosed one with functioning air condition and an elevator on the left, a few steps away from we’re they’re standing. As much as Jennie can recall, there are no windows either.

 

“I-I’m still going to unpack,” so she starts reluctantly, with a hand on the nape of her neck. It’s true. She is going to unpack. But that swift current of air, it seemed like it’s wanting Jennie to repudiate Nayeon’s offer.

 

“I’m not taking no for an answer!”

 

It’s either Nayeon is persuasive enough or Jennie memorized her way not to trust her instincts. 

 

-

 

 

It happens in the thin November morning air in the heart of New York City.

 

It was just before the end of their pancake escapade when it happens, when everything just aligns; the stars, the Earth, this whole universe as if it was bounded by a strong and undying feeling.

 

Looks like she needed to start practicing trusting her instincts and listening to astrology accounts on Twitter after all, because it’s the day Jennie will see the person she thought she already had already forgotten.

 

She’d been feeling anything uneasy ever since she stepped foot outside her apartment. Her apartment. She never wanted to come home to it this much. She’s a certified backpacker for about two years now. She’d seen the outdoors to its best and worst. The jungle in the Amazons, The fucking Himalayas, Easter Island – anywhere could be home. But her apartment brings her a feel of _home_ being different than the other destinations.

 

She’s only realizing that just now.

 

Right now.

 

When her eyes land on someone with a beige coat, its size seeming double her figure and her hair is dark, like crimson red. Only but black. That kind of dark. She’s petite. Jennie could see it under the clothing. Her face is bare, her lips are still in the same heart shape and so is the shape of her face. It’s still small. Her eyes. Still dark. Even darker than the last time she saw her. Like all the colors are voided in to its lack.

 

Jennie is astounded by the familiarity of it all.

 

Everything is sucked out. She feels a vacuum under her skin, inside her system. Her brain went haywire maybe a second ago, like a glitch had caused it. Like something not supposed to happen, happened. For that she’s stuck at that post phase – when the gears stop and everything else stops functioning.

 

She needs to get away, before this girl reciprocates her empty stare.

 

“ _Nayeon_ ,” Jennie says with her voice in its tiniest as everything around her spins.

 

The older girl is laughing hard from her own dad joke, probably heard it from Momo, and she’s waiting for Jennie’s reaction. If she wasn’t so occupied with her laughter, she’d notice Jennie’s hard grip on the metal of the bench they’re sitting on like she’s so taken aback, she needed to at least hold onto something for her breathing to continue.

 

However, Nayeon doesn’t see it. Jennie doesn’t hear much of the laughter, too. It’s all white noise. For the mean time she feels like an eighteen-year-old again: naïve. Pretty much stupid, but helplessly in love.

 

But that’s only for the mean time, because _this girl_ turns her head, right on where Jennie’s eyes are nailed. With that their eyes meet in a contact made halfway as it creates an invisible scintilla of heartache and melancholy.

 

The memory is quick to be recollected, it flashes back quickly like as they say when someone’s about to face death, and now she feels a growing knife on her tightening chest that used to be buried deep underneath, surfacing with the pain of what she sees before her eyes.

 

Kim Jisoo.

 

Jennie does the only thing she ever knew how to do these past two years. 

 

She runs.

 

-

 

The first time they saw each other, it was mid-day in early August.

 

It’s a common day in the practice room when the new trainees were introduced – everyone was either too eager or intimidated, but Jennie sits neither of the rest of them.

 

It’s not that she was not interested, she was just a little less intrigued than the others. She greeted them, paid little to no attention on what they looked like, remembered their names and smiled and then gets back to her own spot where she’s occupied listening to songs and rap to practice for later.

 

That’s at least enough for her courtesy. Unfortunately, it didn’t pass for someone like Kim Jisoo when she approached her one on one, after greeting the rest.

 

_“Hi, I’m Jisoo. It’s nice to meet you,”_

 

And Jisoo did look entrancing that day. Jennie was just too busy to spare her a glance.

 

 And Jennie did hate greetings. Or that’s what she told herself when she couldn’t find the right words to construct into an intelligible sentence.

 

-

 

It’s the eyes.

 

It’s always the eyes. It’s what always Jisoo is so weak for.

 

It’s still the eyes two years later. Why is she even surprised?

 

She needed to vent, a strong glass of whiskey and a person to talk to.

 

“Seul,”

 

Jisoo, without an inch of sanity, whisper-shouts, wary of making any noise in the wee hours of the morning while pacing her hotel room in panic. “I swear I was _not_ imagining things,”

 

“You probably just miss her and all,” Seulgi, who's paying less than half of her attention to Jisoo's agony, says nonchalantly while chewing on her take-out dinner. “It’s fine. You're fine, Chu. It's okay to miss our _exes_ from time to time.”

 

The emphasis on the word _exes_ only made Jisoo's distress and anger begin to arise. What if she really does miss Jennie? And maybe the Gods are laughing their asses off in heaven because she was just hearing things and the girl in the park is just a product of her too much pining?

 

Yeah. That could be.

 

If only it was easy to believe.

 

“There was never a _‘we’_ , you— all of you, should know that out of all people.” Jisoo can sense none of them are taking this matter to heart.

 

Seulgi laughs mockingly. Joy teases her with a comment, “but there was obviously something between you two. Stop acting like we didn’t catch you red-handed making out when we were on that awards show. GDA I think? Or Melon?”

 

“Oh _come on_! They probably made out in every awards show! No doubt!”

 

Wendy quips a joke as well, one that she couldn’t process when all she heard was immediate laughter of her friends. They weren’t lying but making fun of her situation is not what she needed right now.

 

Albeit the hectic schedules, she managed to catch the girls on time when they’re not doing anything. She’s quite lucky to even talk to them in call. They do seem tired, nonetheless, they are fond of ganging up on Jisoo like this – in contrary for Jisoo feeling like her problem is their source of comedic entertainment.

 

“God, I can't stand you guys,” Jisoo sighs in defeat and plops down the bed. “Last time I checked I only called Seulgi's number, I didn't sign up for a fucking comedy bar.”

 

“We'll hear it from Seulgi one way or another, you must be aware of that before hitting her up,” _Right._ “Anyway, what's your plan?”

 

Jisoo sighs, maybe the hundredth time throughout the phone call. “I don't know, shouldn't I be asking that to you guys since all of you are such very good friends?”

 

Jisoo just wants all of this turmoil to be over.

 

It just doesn’t feel right.

 

She’s not supposed to be like this. Deranged. Unstable. Unpremeditated. Like she’s about to snap any minute and she doesn’t have any clue what could happen next. She loathes being uncertain, she could never stand spontaneity – for her it’s like walking with your eyes shut and you hear a truck that’s about to run you over.

 

As much as she wants to deceive herself that every moment at that fucking park was just a mere dream and that the girl she misses as much as she didn't want to admit was just nothing more than a stranger, she couldn’t. It’s too much. Too difficult to set aside for her own liking. And saying that she’s a tiny bit affected is an evident understatement.

 

 “Have you told the girls? I mean— they do have the right to know about the long lost member. . .” The difference of the tone shifts the mood of the phone call when Joy says the first remark that finally made sense. She has a point. “Why don't you tell them first?”

 

Yeri follows up her insight. “But she isn't even sure yet. I think she should just find out where she really is.”

 

“Jisoo.”

 

Irene speaks the first time that night.

 

“Listen.”

 

Everyone else involved in the phone call stays silent, hearing Irene's voice heavy with all seriousness is enough to make Jisoo feel the blood under her veins.

 

“Didn't you tell us you're over with everything? I don't see the point why this is bothering you this much. . . “

 

Jisoo holds a breath, carefully listening as she continues.

 

“Just to be fairly honest, I knew there was something off with how you coped up with all this mess before— but I didn't tell you that because we all have our differences. And _this_ —what I'm saying to you right now— it's my own opinion. . . You ran from everything and built walls of your own by overworking yourself and shutting out everyone else. But if you look at the situation now, it's all just a matter of facing your problems, Jisoo. You did it before, and just as you thought everything would be over. It isn't. It come running back to you to knock you down back to square one.”

 

That hit deep.

 

Okay.

 

Maybe Jisoo was a little more defiant. And stupid. And also a coward for running away from everything.

 

And maybe she doesn’t care, because knowing what’s right and wrong will only fuel this turmoil to grow even bigger.

 

Unable to respond, Jisoo bites her tongue.

 

“It is completely fine not to speed up things and to be confused but I do hope you will learn something out of the things you want to do,”

 

“She’s right.” Wendy evens the atmosphere, her voice being less intimidating than the former. Jisoo started to feel her lungs again.

 

Joohyun is her friend, but she gets so scary sometimes. Truthfully, even after all these years she is still slightly intimidated if not reserved whenever they’re together. Makes sense, Joohyun is closer to Jennie anyways.

 

“This can be so confusing, but I think it’s better to just let this all cool down. Don’t feel too pressured to do anything right at this moment okay? You have all the time in world.”

 

“You were in shock earlier. Of course no one would see it coming.”

 

“It’s going to be okay, unnie,” Yeri says and this is exactly the consolation Jisoo is asking for. “Just promise us you won’t do anything stupid okay? You may be in New York but news travel fast.”

 

“I promise.”

 

-

 

A few more words of wisdom and ‘I miss you’s’ later, Jisoo felt the exhaustion kicking in.

 

To come to think of it, she didn’t really get a glimpse of Jennie’s face _that_ long – but why did she recognize such a strong and over-familiar presence? It’s an inkling of affinity that Jisoo had long forgotten, back again to kick her in the shins.

 

Regardless of the perplexing situation, the actress can’t help but think of her. _How she’s doing_ , _who is she with_ , _what is she up to_ – these are only some of the legion of questions she had always yearned to ask but never having the modesty and courage to do so and every time she doesn’t, it only reinforces her arrogance and the gap between the both of them.

 

She can’t ask any of the girls either; and it just sucks that the group turned out like this – nothing close to what they ever had imagined.

 

Jisoo highly thinks it’s her and Jennie’s fault, she doesn’t even know where did she harbor the audacity to even complain about this whole thing.

 

But you know what they say, and as much as cliché as it sounds, it’s not easy to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

 

And Jennie? She gave Jisoo more than a decade worth of memories, memories of both joy and heartache embossed in the back of her mind. Forgetting a best friend, a band member and someone who you used to (still) love all in one person is difficult to an extent that the other girl ran halfway around the globe out of her sight, but lingers on her mind just the same.

 

Shutting her eyes, she strives to get a grip and rest, despite the streaks of sunlight that will paint itself in the sky anytime soon as she replays her friends’ solace voices to lull herself to sleep.

 

_

 

Jennie should’ve seen it coming.

 

The actress was a sensation, she knew that. She could be anywhere in the world, she’s also aware of that, really. It’s just that it was all too much for her to take in – ironically so, since the event merely happened for a few seconds.

 

As it happens, Jennie is altogether disappointed with herself. This is something she should be prepared of. She knew she couldn’t run forever, now she hates how she can’t help but be affected of the whole situation.

 

The wind blows swiftly by her veranda while she nurses a can of beer to ease the confusion. Apparently, the drink is doing no good to her system or her mind but it’s enough to make her feel lightheaded to the point that she can barely be comprehensive of what Nayeon is trying to say.

 

“Aren’t you going to tell me _I told you so_?”

 

Likewise to her friend, Nayeon holds a can of beer fresh out of Jennie’s mini fridge.

 

“You were going to meet each other sooner or later, one way or another. The world shrinks every time the ozone layer thins,” one would say Nayeon’s pretty drunk by the way she’s slurring her words but Jennie knows better of her neighbor who she had always reckoned to be a total crackhead but a full-on smartass at the same time, “and I’m not going to tell you that,”

 

“That’s because?”

 

“I’m a good friend and what I would tell you is you better run after _your_ girl,”

 

Jennie scoffs and leans back her chair, winces at the idea like it was something disgusting. The thought of seeing her again, even worse – _talking_ to her again like good old times is like a punch in her gut. Nayeon knows what she’s doing and could care nothing less, a pissed _and_ drunk Jennie can be quite amusing for a night like this.

 

“Fuck off, that’s the last thing I’d _ever_ want to do,”

 

The bitterness of the alcohol is raw on the tip of her tongue.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We must not promise what we ought not, lest we be called on to perform what we cannot.

They didn’t like labels.

 

Jisoo even despises it for some reason; so that’s why she never knew what they really were.

 

Jennie knew that.

 

She even had to bite her tongue to keep herself from asking the ‘ _what are we’_ question whenever Jennie notices they’re _too close;_ to the point that she had to question if they are more than just friends. Or maybe when she realizes she needed to stop calling Jisoo a _friend_ and probably also when Jennie ends up watching a murder mystery movie series she could never grasp like Jisoo did because she gets to select a movie for movie night and they are both huddled in a couch with half-eaten take-out food surrounding them as they cram themselves with a blanket from a closet in her mother’s house. Perhaps, she could’ve asked when she had just came under Jisoo’s touch, breathing heavily and Jisoo tucks a piece of Jennie’s messy hair behind her ear to gaze at her beauty, donning an afterglow she had grown quite familiar of as she kisses her good night.

 

For years and countless times Jennie had made an attempt, the question never came.

 

And so did their title.

 

(Despite that, Jennie was complainant that they had never been, and never will be _just friends_.)  

 

-

 

“Was she always _that_ pretty?”

 

Nayeon’s remark catches Jennie’s attention while she’s in the process of emptying her luggage, with dirty clothing on one hand and unused ones on the other – a task she is supposedly be doing the other day. But yeah, shit happens whenever you don’t expect them.

 

“Damn, she’s a vision.” Momo says, almost inaudible because of the pizza stuffed down her throat.

 

The older girl shifts on Momo’s embrace and side-eyes Jennie’s back. Nayeon is aware that Jennie, even with her body turned back, can hear what she’s saying but she emphasizes it for good measure, hoping it would get a reaction out of her friend. “Yeah, she’s _totally_ a waste,”

 

The couple is cuddled on Jennie’s couch, as the both of them began stalking every known SNS account Kim Jisoo owns. They have at least checked out the actress before, Momo even reasoned out that she’s following her Instagram, but Nayeon _accidentally_ turned on one of Jisoo’s movies on Jennie’s Netflix and decides to stick to it while it serves as background noise unnoticed when they commentate on every post they come across – _coincidentally_ , all of it were all about the Nation’s actress.

 

Jennie had to shut her mouth throughout their discussion, fighting an urge of strangling Nayeon on that damn couch when she realized what her friend’s antics will lead on to. Nevertheless, she feigns not hearing anything – for that she’s doing a pretty good job but Nayeon is relentless of the teasing. Momo is there and her whipped ass won’t also stop unless her girl gets what she wants.

 

If Jennie is to say that she’s not at all concerned, that would be a lie.

 

 _Out of sight, out of mind._ That used to be her mantra. But what happens next when the sight becomes somehow ruined? Her reminder just had to come from the epitome of the problem itself which in this case is indeed the worst case scenario. Kim Jisoo. Jennie isn’t really in favor of a reunion at this moment, specifically when she’s trying to garner some peace of mind after a week of going out of town.

 

A few days ago, she had come to the realization that alcohol won’t solve her problems. It won’t precisely make her forget, in fact, it only made her accept the fact that shit _did_ happen and there’s nothing out of her ability she can do for it to _un_ -happen.

 

So she tries to ignore it.

 

Whilst _trying_ to keep it out of her mind, Jennie just can’t help it. One way or another, Jisoo’s name will sneak its way onto Jennie’s reveries, running on her mind all day and night that she’s getting less than her habitual eight-hour sleep and all of a sudden, any task given to her, whether it’s done out of boredom or in obligation, becomes the most interesting chore in the world as it lets her mind at least focus on something. Something not Jisoo-related.

 

(Spoiler: she fails miserably.)

 

“Ah, I’m wondering where she is right now when I heard she’s not in Korea,” Nayeon acts dumb, in which Jennie thinks that she is. Despite that, she finds herself listening to their conversation attentively.

 

Momo, clueless, again with fries on her mouth this time, says with enthusiasm: “She’s in NYC right now!”

 

“New York? Oh, isn’t that right? Momo, do you know who else lives in New York who’s _dying_ to see Jisoo- _ssi_ right now?” Nayeon changes her language to Korean, one that surely did catch Jennie’s attention.

 

“What?” still the clueless Momo, “I don’t think Mrs. Lee from downstairs doesn’t watch K-dramas, babe,”

 

 “It’s not Mrs. Lee, baby. It’s probably someone else close. Like I don’t know?” Jennie pauses sorting the clothes. Nayeon sees it and pulls off a smirk. Jennie could feel the villainy behind her back. “Someone next door?”

 

At this point, Nayeon is walking down the thin rope of Jennie’s last nerve.

 

“What? Who are you talking about?!”

 

Momo is dense, at times when all she could process is food down on her digestive system. Nayeon loves her nonetheless.

 

-

 

 

(“I don’t like the camera angle here,” Nayeon comments, gnawing on the popcorn Jennie made for them to shut up. “Look at how unsymmetrical her face is! The supporting actress outdid her,”

 

An empty sun block bottle flies directly on Nayeon’s head, causing her to turn her head in a second and see Jennie with a lethal stare, one that could send her life to the other side. Yet when she turns her head back around she smirks to herself regardless of the ache on her temple. 

 

Nayeon shuts her mouth throughout the rest of Jisoo’s movie contented, with noiseless snickering that only earns glares from Jennie’s other end.

 

An empty sun block bottle. It’s not much, but it’s talking.

 

Jennie is protective. Nayeon take notes.)

 

-

 

On the other side of the city, Jisoo contemplates.

 

She’s laid back on the soft duvet, the time being eight in the evening but she hasn’t left her bed since lunch. It’s been going like this for days, five days to be exact, since she saw her. It is getting disquieting, far from how Jisoo imagined her break from all the filming would be. She imagined for it to be relaxing, relieving. Right now all the relief she’d been getting is that her manager is not nagging her twenty-four seven.

 

So she thinks.

 

All she’d been doing is thinking. What to do. Where to start. Why did this happen. The answers she got? Absolutely none.

 

The silence had never been more this disturbing.

 

Jisoo wants to be optimistic that Jennie is just as bothered, but that’s just Jisoo liking to think that she still knows Jennie. In which she doesn’t. She‘s changed. Jisoo realized pain does that to people. By now, she’s still getting the hang of it.

 

She’s still cat-eyed Jennie, of course. Her cheeks are less inflated than before, she was sitting, but Jisoo could see how her figure changed and she didn’t want to get that part where it becomes disturbing and she worries about if she’s eating her meals on time.

 

She still worries, anyway.

 

Jisoo missed her.

 

Friendly or not, Jisoo keeps on pondering more on how she’s doing. As if she haven’t been doing that for the past months.

 

 (Again, that’s something she won’t admit, but her search history and the number of times she tried calling the number she deleted ended up being memorized says a different story.)

 

Despite her efforts not for her thoughts not to linger on a past lover, every _goddamn_ time, she fails. It’s always her thoughts and Jennie. It’s always sleepless nights featuring Jennie. She’s grateful for her career, though. It was the best candidate for a distraction and Jisoo could never have enough of it like it was a drug, that when she’s home after a shoot, it’s the worst time of the day.

 

Jisoo grew restless.

 

She became obsessed with work and every time she just strives to be better. She loved the fame. Loved the attention and it was never the same on her own. It’s never the same when Jennie’s not around. When she’s there, success is pure and chaste but when she isn’t, it tastes nothing more than bittersweet.

 

Unluckily for her, Jennie is all that she could think about. It came to that part where thinking about work like reading a script, checking her schedule or skimming her emails will lead to her daydreaming about a past lover – something that never happens. Jisoo and work also grew inseparable, so Jennie managing to pass through Jisoo’s clouded mind sure is one spectacle.

 

She hates that she’d have to actually _deal_ with her feelings – something Jisoo is too much of a coward to do, so she’s doing it with no means of success. She missed Jennie in less frequent times and intervals but after a breakdown or two, the memories will drain itself out, eaten by her occupancy in work.

 

This time, it’s taking too long. It’s different. And it’s getting exhausting that she just can’t wait for it to sort itself out.

 

-

 

Sooner or later, Jisoo becomes impatient.

 

Things are going opposite her way. Seemingly, her career is not the one to run to in this situation, her friends – they’re busy, so she guesses a move has to be made, impulsively so.

 

Her manager knows about the drinking problem, but some rules are bound to be broken, anyway, so she spots a bar nearby, a secluded one for her own convenience.

 

The risks she’ll have to face, she’ll face later.

 

Jisoo might have to break some promises along the way.

 

-

 

The first time Jisoo got drunk, she was a heartbroken sixteen-year old.

 

Decisions are hard to make for a teenager Jisoo, who knew nothing about real life and the idol life before her has yet to teach her what life really is. _Getting in YG was a long shot_ , that’s what she thought the first time her sister had told her about the auditions, so she practiced a half-assed piece just to get her by. She wanted to get in but not in the slightest she tried to give them something beyond amazing, for she never believed in herself and she was accustomed that the life she’s living is enough, even with her working at a chicken place to suffice a percentage of her family’s bills. 

 

At that time, teenager Jisoo was immensely involved with a boy in her class – in a not so friendly way. That boy was infamous for his mischief, a school delinquent perhaps, but Jisoo always liked to prove others wrong and God was she so gullible that time being that she always searched for something good in something bad, like finding a rose in a sea of thorns.

 

By then, Jisoo was weak in infatuation and she made the mistake of thinking her feelings were reciprocated. She also thought that with that fact alone, everything would put into place but it didn’t when the call came and she listens to her family’s cheer because she got accepted – and that meant investing her time, the rest of her whole juvenile, into being a trainee.

 

Eventually, she needed to break up with him. It was tough and she had to do it over the phone with hopes of the boy taking it easy but only ended up with the boy getting his ego bruised, revealing to her that she’d been cheated on this whole time. Jisoo didn’t know if that was the truth; or if he only said that because he got his dick stuck in his brain. As expected, it didn’t go any well. Their entire exchange caused her breakdowns here and there.

 

It wasn’t a pretty sight. Jisoo began feeling horrible, and it led to many other things not exactly satisfactory. But there was someone there to clean up before her and it was fellow trainee, Jennie Kim. Her roommate for a week now, who Jisoo thought was probably judging her way of living. Contrary to her prejudice, the younger girl didn’t say a word when she held her hair back for her nor did she give such look of repulse, much to Jisoo’s own convenience and surprise.

 

Waking up in the morning wasted was challenging than buying and sneaking in some booze inside the dorms. She was a fresh trainee and it wasn’t so typical to miss your classes and sessions a week after you just came. But Jennie was a saint, with exceptional talent in rapping and lying. So she lied for her. Told everyone that she was sick for her life, that she was finding it hard to adapt on the new environment. Fortunately everyone bought it and Jisoo found that so endearing that when Jennie spoke to her, making her promise not to drink again, she was quick to interlock their pinkies together.

 

 

The memory is fresh on Jisoo’s mind while she nurses her third glass of whiskey in this desolated bar, then again with her thoughts circling Jennie’s name.

 

-

 

After a few hours, it should probably come to Jisoo’s senses that a bar was not the healthiest idea to remedy heartbreak.  
  


Jisoo finds it utterly conflicting that she sees _this_ as the most common way of concealing the pain. As an observer, she’s certain she’s not the only one here trying to find solace in an alcoholic beverage.

 

A Caucasian man who sits two stools away on her left is a great example; a typical one, with his face already dumped on the cold ceramic while his unconscious hand’s still holding on what Jisoo guessed is scotch. He’s wearing a suit, with the first button and tie undone. Jisoo guesses he’s been too caught up on work or maybe his wife kicked him out, like he hasn’t been home for a few days now and his drink is what he’s cuddling to sleep.

 

Jisoo and that man couldn’t be any different, when you’re in a place like this – no one’s ever to measure your tragedy. She wouldn’t even be surprised at herself if she ends up getting found out in a local bar in New York. Netizens will talk for sure, but Jisoo couldn’t care any less. People come in places like this because they think that a drink will keep you company for a minute or two, while it stirs the blood on your veins as it flows to your brain, making you forget something or remember everything in the process of completely intoxicating it.

 

For Jisoo, she’s somewhere in between of trying to forget the pain, at the same time every thought that swims around her mind is all about Jennie. As much as she wants to bring hate to the girl and to this occurrence, she couldn’t bear ignoring. Jisoo starts believing that the result of hiding your problems is that it will only consume you and eat you up alive.

 

In hindsight, this little trip did get Jisoo tripping. Her mind is throbbing in pain, it’s incredible that she still manages to think of Jennie at this point – unfortunately the pain comes with it, hitting her like a bus. At this point she’s drowning in faint jazz music and she recalls a memory then again, about Jennie listening to Louis Armstrong or maybe that’s just her mind making up things to correlate with Jennie.

 

 _It’s hurting my head_. Indeed, the effect was so bad that her vision’s getting a bit hazy and her glass is getting empty, so she subconsciously asked the bartender for a refill. “ _Another one, please,”_ her call sounded hushed in her mind but the bartender is fast with his hands and the drink did come right away when he told her: _“Right away, Miss.”_

 

Maybe the alcohol is fucking up her sense of hearing, too.

 

Maybe her voice came off louder outside than in her head, because from what it looks like despite with a vision very much impaired, two males in her peripheral just whispered to each other with their eyes uncomfortably roaming her physique. They seemed close, both holding cans of beer, seated on a booth looking eerie, complementing the place’s dark and mysterious vibe. For a minute Jisoo wishes she’s acting for a drama or a film, but she isn’t and Jisoo could only wish that they’re gay and not planning to take advantage on her intoxicated form.

 

_God, please let them be gay. Please let them be gay. Please–_

 

“And what do we have here?” The man with a mustache approaches and sits himself beside her, he smells of spoiled beef and alcohol, Jisoo could sense it but her surroundings are too hazy to make it go away.

 

The other one stays standing, and Jisoo starts lurking her head sideways to look for the bartender who’s now busy chatting on another man, who’s also probably a regular. “You alone, miss?”

 

It was a stupid, rethorical question. As if they weren’t creeping up on her the first second she steps into the bar. She gathered all her saved up energy, to push them away using her harbored force, “leave me, alone,”

 

Her English is rusty to say the very least, but she made it clear that she didn’t want anything to do with them. “Oh, come on, sweetheart, we’re only trying to have some fun,”

 

But it doesn’t stop, and now she fumbles and struggles to reach for her phone, dialing her manager and Seulgi, who’s all in Korea, so it’s all useless but she’s intoxicated enough to try with no success.

 

 The men who are as the same, drunk for their own good, continue to verbally come on Jisoo, with their white man accents of disgusting and disturbing words of trying to take her home. Jisoo continues protesting, even bumping her fist to the other man’s chest, only to bring him nauseatingly closer. She was trying to dial more numbers on her phone whilst screaming for help, but her voice is hoarse by her throat being burnt from all the whiskey.

 

Jisoo realizes she’s too drunk for anything, but somehow she manages to grip an idea that is seated on the back of her mind for a very long time.

 

It’s a very long shot because _she_ probably changed numbers, but when the mustached guy is only seconds away of letting his hand burn the surface of her thigh, Jisoo calls a deleted, yet memorized number – one that she’s certain is nearby.

 

 _Jennie_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happiness is the shadow of things past, which fools still take for that which is to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe i pinched in a very little tiny bit of fluff so i can peacefully sleep at night knowing im not here to purposefully drag others to my misery

 

In a normal night at Jennie’s apartment, sleep would kick her in less than an hour after Nayeon would finally decide to come home to her own flat. She would’ve done her routine seamlessly and by after, her bed would devour and tire her enough to completely rest.

 

Jennie had no idea what kept her up that night.

 

Nayeon and Momo left hours ago before she had the time to follow her night routine. It’s been feeling like hours more after that spent on just tossing and turning on her too big of a cold bed.

 

(For some reason, it was bigger and colder than the last time she came home to New York, and Jennie refuses to believe it’s the aftermath of earlier this week’s turn of events.)

 

Anything felt impossible to help her sleep. She counts endless numbers in her head but fails; ASMR videos have never been so useless until now; and generally so is her Youtube recommendation for failing to provide her actually entertaining content. She contemplates calling Nayeon over, but don’t, until her phone had become too obnoxious for her to expose herself into.

 

Her body must’ve been tired from all the unpacking and shopping she did all week, but her brain seems to have never felt more awake and Jennie is struggling to keep her subconscious in control by blocking thoughts of absolutely anything about _her_.

 

If not already known, Jennie certainly is not doing a good job restraining her brain from thinking about Jisoo.

 

The only thing is no matter how many long years they have spent together being happy, how many times she felt the euphoria of having Jisoo by her side, somehow, she felt like she needed to protect those memories from being ruined.  

 

 

For at some point in their relationship, Jennie felt like she can never know anything but happiness ever again.

 

-

 

“ _So is it a meteor shower, a pink moon or you’re just damn hungry_?”

 

Her voice is hoarse under the blanket – Jisoo’s blanket – if it would’ve been a year ago, but Jisoo only giggles, all dressed up and talking Jennie out of joining her in another night escapade.

 

“ _Hmm, not really, but I am a little hungry,_ ”

 

Winter had just started and it’s the coldest out of any other night of the year 2012. Jennie did feel a churn by the thought of eating, but it’s November again, and the weather is not at all friendly towards her.

 

“ _Let’s just sleep, huh?_ ” Jennie uncovers herself and to reveal Jisoo’s face with such little space in between hers. Suddenly, she’s awake and stuttering. “ _Come on, it’s c-cold, outside,_ ”

 

The younger girl doesn’t even know what time it is, but Jisoo does and smiles because she knows that Jennie will not say no.

 

 

Of course, they end up in the streets with a convenience store in the corner. While holding a black plastic bag with junk food inside, Jennie walks with Jisoo in empty lit streets.

 

Jennie couldn’t stop thinking of the saying that goes, “If you step on someone’s shadow, they will remain by your side forever,”

 

By moments like that, pieces of a cinematic life of growing old with Jisoo plays in the back of her mind with every step on her shadow. Although in those times, she knows she’s just her friend; albeit having a handful of thoughts and friends that doubt that.

 

It was the time of justifying thoughts of growing old with a friend, a girl, was _normal_ and Jennie was just in denial of having feelings that could ruin their friendship forever.

 

It was the time that all Jennie could do was think, reason silently and keep her mouth mum and her actions friendly because one noticed glint on her eyes can give her all away.

 

She had no idea what was too much. The fine line of being friends and being more than that is not so fine anymore, it’s become vague and Jennie, at some point also became scared of the indistinct intimacy between her and Jisoo.

 

 

Until, eventually, it was Jisoo herself that shows up in front of the door through her heart.

 

 

“ _Where are we going?_ ”

 

Snow started to fall when Jennie asks on the streets she’s not quite familiar of. Her milk ice cream that they bought from the convenience store is halfway finished, normally, it would be the time that they walk back to the dorms but Jisoo seems to have other plans.

 

“ _It’s a secret,_ ”

 

The older girl only grabs her hand after that as they walk to alleys and streets that are totally out of the way back to their dorm.

 

“ _This walk is longer than expected,_ ” Jennie remarks with her ice cream already finished, “ _It’s getting cold,_ ”

 

“ _That’s your fault for eating ice cream,_ ” Jisoo holds her hand tighter, “ _Come on, we’re almost there,_ ”

 

After some more steps and concrete stairs, the older girl stops at her tracks.

 

Jennie hadn’t noticed how far they climbed up until she looks over the railing and the city lights of Seoul come to view.

 

She wonders how Jisoo found out about this place, even if it really was getting cold and the first snow of the year isn’t helping, it feels nice to be at such a peaceful place with only Jisoo beside her.  
  


No one else would attempt to be there in the middle of the night and the weather that cold but Jisoo took her there, so Jennie at least had some hint that there was a reason why Jisoo took her there.

 

“ _Do you like it?_ ” Jisoo says as her eyes follow Jennie’s, admiring the scenery.

 

“ _I love it,_ ”

 

“ _I thought about you, the first time I knew about this place_ ,” the younger girl rests her eyes on Jisoo.

 

“ _The second thing I knew was that I had to take you here,_ ”

 

“ _And, you know what, that happened many times over; those thoughts repeat itself whenever I end up in a place somewhere nice, when I see something that is beautiful,”_

 

Jisoo pulls a small smile and meets Jennie’s eyes, “ _I think of you,”_

 

“ _Or I don’t know, maybe that makes no sense because thoughts of you or you and I is nothing new to me anymore. And maybe it sounds stupid but it’s like I’m so used to being with you but I still can’t get enough of you, in a way that I can’t bring my words to explain – hell, I don’t even know if we’re on the same page but—_ “

 

“ _Ji—“_

 

 “ _Jennie Kim_ ,”

 

Jennie turns by the mention of her name. She meets Jisoo’s sincere eyes once again, and her heart skips a beat because her eyes might say something her tongue couldn’t give justice.

 

She tries to look away but fails, and Jisoo pulls her even closer while her mind goes crazy by thinking of what could happen next.

 

She feels Jisoo’s cold fingers on her chin, “ _Look at me,_ ”

 

While in response, her heart picks up the pace on Jisoo’s touch.

 

Their bodies collide into one, with no space left in between their chests and barely in between their mouths and before any of them could realize, they’re already lost in each other’s gaze and everything else outside their touch are of no importance.

 

“ _Tell me_ ,”

 

Jisoo moves her palm on Jennie’s cheek.

 

“ _Tell me that you feel it, too, Jen,_ ”

 

 

Jennie didn’t tell her.

 

Jennie kisses her instead, and in the way she slowly connected their lips, Jisoo knew they were on the same page.

 

She didn’t tell her it was her first kiss, either, or did she know that Jisoo took her there on purpose because it’s the first snow of the year and apparently it was an unofficial time to confess to someone you love (that, of course, she knew only when Chaeyoung and Lisa had known of how they got together), but Jennie was certain.

 

It was the winter when she let her through her heart.

 

 

Countless kisses, adventures and all things that can be experienced together later, things have become more and more complex between them. After years of being together, after all the sorts of problems they had faced, they had managed hand-in-hand.

 

Jennie will not deny that she had been once, twice or maybe one too many times, the happiest girl in the world when Jisoo was by her side.

 

After the group ended, it was the following days that Jennie felt freer than ever. She was with the love of her life, her best friend in the world and the woman she swore she would marry all in one person. It was the days that Jennie never wanted to end and she thought would last forever because nothing else mattered; it was Jennie and Jisoo, Jisoo and Jennie and of course, their dogs that they have always treated like their children.

 

 

Mornings were beautiful and grateful; it was by then that Jennie had realized that there’s not a sight better than seeing Jisoo cuddled with her. Jisoo would kiss her head and mumble a small ‘good morning’ and Jennie would just cling on to her lover’s small body and pretends not to hear a thing.

 

It’s not until the sunlight would slowly creep through the windows and the smell of cooked food that will make Jisoo come back to bed to remind her of breakfast.

 

Then again, the older never really seemed to sense that it was a trap just to bring her back to bed because Jennie is _really_ clingy, especially when she’s only half awake.

 

_“Just five more minutes,”_

 

Jennie grumbles with a rough voice, her head is buried on the crook of Jisoo’s neck, now in between of intertwined arms.

 

 _“The food’s waiting, babe,”_ says Jisoo, only to be replied with a few more indistinct mumbles from the younger girl. She never bothers to listen much and just waits for Jennie to be ready to get out of bed.

 

When she successfully does so, they share what they dreamed of the night before or their plans for the rest of the day over coffee and breakfast.

 

Mornings can never be any better, especially at times when they just both decide to come back to bed.

 

(Jennie loves sleeping, and sleeping with Jisoo a little more.)

 

 

While by the time the sun is long gone and the day comes to an end, Jennie would wrap her arms around the small of her stomach and rest her head on her shoulder.

 

“ _You could do that, you know_ ,”

 

She whispers to the dark, her finger tracing random circles on Jisoo’s exposed skin.

 

It was a long day. Jennie came to work early in the morning as she had been for the past month. She was offered writing and producing some songs for an upcoming soloist – that, she gladly accepted. While she was in a recording booth, Jisoo, however, handles working from home by writing articles and editing them all day, but she also doesn’t leave her own novel unnoticed.

 

They both would’ve been huddled in the couch and eating dinner if it was the day before that, but they took a bit of under time from their work and by late afternoon they were getting ready for a small party they were invited to. Sooyoung hosted it, told them that it was about time that they would all get back together and to serve as thanksgiving for the success of her blockbuster movie as well.

 

Chaeyoung was there and the rest of Red Velvet, while Lisa was back in Thailand but still sent congratulatory flowers to make up for her absence. Those faces Jennie had known for years, but seeing them for the first time in months, she was glad that they were still the same people as they have been the last time they got together, despite having different pursuits and endeavors in life.

 

It wasn’t as small as they expected; besides the girls, the rest were a pool of actors and people in the film industry Sooyoung had connections with.

 

As the night prolongs, it was inevitable for drama personalities to not engage with a conversation with her and Jisoo. She would intently listen, and Jisoo would just talk whenever she felt the need to because she didn’t know any of those people that much. Almost all direct queries were for Jisoo, but Jennie was there the whole time to know exactly what those people wanted from her. And she’s not dumb enough to think Jisoo missed the persuading tone in their voices, but she can’t read her mind so Jennie didn’t know precisely what Jisoo thought about starting an acting career since it was a semi-formal party and there had to be masks they would need to wear.

 

 

Jennie didn’t miss a few calling cards that slipped in Jisoo’s wallet, though.

 

 

“ _Do what?_ ” The older girl rests her hand on Jennie’s shoulder blade.

 

“ _You know,_ ” it felt warm. Jennie liked it, “ _the acting and the auditions those people at the party were blabbering about,_ ”

 

“ _I know you’ve always had the liking for that type of work and yeah, pretty sure you have everything they are looking for in a cast,_ ”

 

Jisoo hums, “ _You think?_ ”

 

“ _I didn’t think you noticed,_ ” Jennie’s till drawing invisible swirls on Jisoo, her mind rewinding to the party, and how she saw almost everybody in the room mesmerized by her beauty. Or maybe that’s just how she sees her, “ _but those film people were basically lining up behind my back just to get to talk to you,_ ”

 

“ _I’ll have you know I am quite popular_ ,” the older girl chuckles and it grants Jennie a little giggle, too.

 

She adjusts herself on Jisoo’s shoulder to raise her head, “ _but seriously_ ,”

 

“ _What did you think about those offers?_ ”

 

Their eyes meet halfway, seemingly tired and glazed. Jennie genuinely wanted to know what Jisoo would do about them or if she was even thinking about it in the first place because somehow, she knows it would later result to decisions that can change something in her. Or them. Not that she was thinking of something ill, Jennie was just curious as to if these opportunities made her happy, or if it were anything good or insignificant for Jisoo.

 

“ _I’m thinking of going for it, actually,_ _if there would be any role interesting enough to have keep me going until the end,_ ”

 

Jennie smiled at that, the thought of Jisoo being a full-time actress runs through her mind and the thrill in her eyes to see the love of her life thriving and enjoying her career was something Jisoo didn’t miss.

 

“ _Of course, you’re more excited than me,_ ” the older girl laughs again.         

 

Jennie kisses her lips in a quick moment, and goes back to nuzzling her head deep into her neck.

 

“ _I know you’ll do great,_ ” she mutters only for Jisoo to hear, before her smiling eyes become too heavy and exhausted for her to keep them open.

 

Jisoo would sing her a lullaby while running her fingers on the younger’s hair, until she hears those little sounds Jennie would make when she’s comfortably asleep and she would know it was also time for her to plant a kiss on her head and bring herself to slumber.

 

Sometimes, Jennie would feel Jisoo’s lips on her hair, and she was convinced that sleeping was second best of her favorite things in the world after waking up with her was first.

 

 

They could’ve done anything, through the time in between the days. They could’ve tire themselves to death because of being given too much workload or going to multiple dates in a day, they could’ve done nothing and lied in bed all day, they could’ve had different schedules for a day, and those hours may have felt long and restless but it’s unremembered by the time they revel in each other’s touch.

 

Nothing felt better in the world than waking up and sleeping with someone you genuinely love and care for; and knowing that Jisoo would never leave, for believing that Jisoo would still make her laugh after a long day of schedules and bad days, would still sing her a lullaby and would still be by the other side of the bed when she opens her eyes the first thing in the morning, Jennie felt like living her best life.

 

And even by then she ponders that she probably have done more good than bad in her past lifetime to deserve someone like Jisoo.

 

 

But like a fool, Jennie imagined every day with Jisoo would start and end like those days.

 

It was almost paradise, until, like all things, it just couldn’t last forever.

 

 

Maybe Jennie knew it wasn’t forever, but she was naïve enough to ignore that sinking feeling that they can’t be like that until the end of time.

 

She was clueless and dense; and if her relationship with Jisoo was in the same way a boat in the middle of an ocean, what Jennie did was turn a blind eye on the cracks and gaps at the bottom of it where it meets the water, while she pretended not being wet.

 

Justifying those cracks and gaps only are good enough for a period of time until it became too overwhelming to even try to avoid.

 

Because the thing is, Jennie still believed in spite being in the midst of petty arguments, empty words, louder voices and their bed that felt twice its size.

 

It could’ve been that the both of them let it through their system to the point that it was nothing alarming anymore, but Jennie was not yet giving up.

 

She still had high hopes that little pieces of her would be enough to fill those holes in the boat of their relationship.

 

Even if she knew in the back of her head the punishing truth that their boat is falling apart and far away from shore, even if she knew she can’t save it, she also knew that she can’t just jump out of it and swim away on her own.

 

After all, Jennie can’t leave Jisoo, so Jennie turned her back from the strong wave that would later hit them and sink their boat for good, with the longing that the girl she fell in love with would come back and everything else would be like how they used to be.

 

 

And maybe if it happens they would sail to the shore together.

 

 

-

 

She was still up and thinking when her phone rings.

 

Jennie swore she was asleep after convincing herself and her whole system that she was, but something tug at her heart that the person calling her right now could be, well – could actually be in a life and death situation, or it could’ve been Chaeyoung or Lisa, or Irene, or even a member of her family that with full innocence, would just ask her how she’s been.

 

But it was in the middle of the night. And it felt a little creepy.

 

With squinted eyes, she roams her hand in the dark to feel where she had thrown her phone just a while ago, and at that moment when she sees the caller ID, when she reads the number with her eyes, Jennie immediately regrets not taking a few pills earlier to knock her off to sleep.  

 

It’s her.

 

 _Again_.

 

Kim Jisoo.

 

Nayeon isn’t here anymore to at the very least calm her down. It was only her and on the other end of the line, Jisoo could also be alone, too.

 

And tonight, after a few days from the incident would probably be the best time to… reconcile?

 

Jennie thought it was funny to come to think of it, because God knows what the hell does Jisoo want from her, but apparently Jennie is feeling vulnerable and the disgust she had feigned when talking to Nayeon about Jisoo is nonexistent anymore and she has the heart to assume that she called to say her sorry.

 

(She hoped it was just assumptions, because she doesn’t know just yet what she would do and how her weak heart would react if that was exactly what Jisoo was going to do.)

 

Her hand subtly shakes, her thumb is just over the screen, the ringtone not faltering any second at all, and she is dumbfounded because for all of her knowledge and instinct, Jisoo could be asleep right now.

 

 

But her phone isn’t.

 

 

Her mind goes blank when the tones repeat itself for the third time, and the next thing she knew was that she was driving her car to a bar Jisoo could barely speak the name of, while everything in their past, every time she said she would forget about her and what she told Nayeon that this’ll probably be the last thing she would ever do is thrown out the window.

 

Forgotten, like her tightening chest and the lump on her throat when she remembers how things ended between them.

 

But when Jennie heard something from Jisoo’s side of the call that made her realize she wasn’t nowhere near in a safe place, maybe this could be the last thing she would ever want to do.

 

If it’s what it takes for Jisoo to be okay.

 

(Jennie would have to take on a strong drink and little bit more time further after this for her to admit all of that.)

 

-

 

Jennie struts her way inside the gloomy-looking bar. It wasn’t like one of those where the music was too loud and teenagers would fake IDs just to get in. It was rather small and secluded, but she doesn’t trust this neighborhood that much to think that nothing can go wrong if she leaves Jisoo in this part of the city.

 

Hell, she doesn’t even want to know what urged Jisoo to come to a place like this or how she got here in the first place.

 

Security almost didn’t even notice how she slipped herself through the entrance with an ID in her hand, since there weren’t much people for them to care. At least the interior of the place was decent, but she doesn’t let her guard down and scans the room quickly for any sight of her.

 

The feeling of longing to see her up close doesn’t twist her stomach at all, unlike when they saw each other in the park. All the things she could say to spite her for leaving her or anything at all that relates to Jennie at least getting back to what Jisoo did to her becomes superficial when she nails her eyes to her direction.

 

What she was supposed to be feeling after seeing the person that broke her heart and left her all alone all through the years felt like the most insignificant thing in the world right now when her eyes land on two guys, their bodies way too big that they cover Jisoo’s own, and she knew from across the room they are up to no good.

 

Everything she thinks and feels becomes a void. Jennie loses the sense of control over her own body parts, so she couldn’t quite put a finger on what made her feet stomp angrily to the bar where Jisoo is, what clenched her fist into balls that for a second it turned white and where in the world did she get the courage to put that said fist into one of those guys’ eye.

 

All in all, the act garnered the attention of everyone in the bar and before any of the two could hit her back, guards had already surrounded them by then.

 

Everyone pretty much came back to what they were initially doing, but she shifts her focus to Jisoo, who probably will pass out at any given moment because her intoxicated mind had finally processed that Jennie actually came for her.

 

“You, there,” the drunk girl managed to slur, “You are – Jennie,”

 

By the mention of her name after making sure nothing else is a threat to Jisoo, Jennie awakens to reality again.

 

The reality that yes, she came for Jisoo, she punched a guy for her and it also hits her that she’s still the same Jisoo that left her in their apartment years ago.

 

The heavy weight on her heart lets itself known again. The insides of her stomach twist, and she can oversee a breakdown coming for her any minute now.

 

She doesn’t know if it’s because of Jisoo’s overwhelming scent, her overall presence or because of her stupidity for answering the call that led her to this bar, but she’d have to delay that breakdown for later.

 

“Jennie,” she calls out again.

 

It rings in her head.

 

The younger girl can’t make up the chill under her skin when she hears her name slip out of Jisoo’s lips.

 

Another call to her name, and she’s back to the Jennie that despised Jisoo to death.

 

She wanted to fight it and say she can’t call her like that anymore after everything that happened. But she was the one who came here and she knew deep inside her it wasn’t because she wanted to pick a fight.

 

The thought does appeal to her. Fighting with Jisoo again. But this time she’d be willing to be the one to first raise her voice, instead of being the other person who’d feel small after being attacked with words that hurt and stings like poison. 

 

“What are you doing here,” Jisoo says without it sounding like a question, while she tries her best to stand upright and she falls down on the stool anyway.

 

Jennie doesn’t answer and just brings her out her own wallet to pay for Jisoo’s drinks. She completely ignores everything about her but when she places the money on the ceramic, Jisoo grabs her hand and the electrifying touch is one she won’t stop thinking about for another night.

 

She was about to swat it away for her own sake, but Jisoo looks up to her with tired, half-lidded eyes that Jennie thought were so vacant that the contact pulls something inside her heart as she purses her lips and Jisoo just grips her hand even tighter.

 

As if she doesn’t want Jennie to leave.

 

It was the first time their eyes made contact that night.

 

In that moment, the impulse of arguing with Jisoo after all these years was gone like the wind. Jennie convinces herself it wouldn’t be valid since the older girl wasn’t close to being in the right and comprehensive mind but if she was being completely honest with herself, she would admit that Jisoo’s eyes had that effect on her so much, that it made her want to break the high walls that she built around her herself. 

 

And Jennie wonders: if Jisoo really had a heart, because she remembers herself looking at Jisoo like the way she’s looking at her right now; she remembers herself from a long time ago, practically on her knees, and pleading for Jisoo not to leave her.

 

She wonders if she really loved her because maybe if she did, something would have initiated her to stay, like how something is holding Jennie back from walking away from Jisoo and leaving her in this bar, and maybe if there was still something for Jennie inside Jisoo from years ago, she wouldn’t do what Jennie can’t: leave.

 

 

For after everything, even if it would take days for her to admit, Jisoo would still find a home inside Jennie’s heart and Jennie would still be there to open the door for her.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i... actually almost cried while writing this,,,, and i was also about to write what really happened between them but i guess that would be a story for another update :) 
> 
>  
> 
> thank you for reading and waiting (if you were), please do tell me what you think in the comments since feedback is a great deal to me :D c u in the next update !


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